Late night ramblings... problems... humanity... Bla. Bla. Bla.

Well, hello there. Long time no see.

It's *checks time* 00.38 here in South Germany, I'm on my last glass of wine and just finished watching Fifty Shades of Grey. Alone.

Oh, everything's great with my boyfriend, or rather partner, in case you're wondering. I'm just on brother-sitting duty and sadly enough alone on a Friday night behind a computer, typing away.

No, but why I really decided to write... I'm just mostly so disappointed in humanity in general. Yes, I've seen a few exceptions and I don't blame them for anything. I truly, deeply, love and honour them and wish them all the best in this world. No. Who I'm talking about are the people that pretend to be your friends. People who smile to your face at first, who really make you think they care, that you could be friends with them, and then suddenly, with absolutely no explanation or warning, turn their backs on you and ignore you. After all that you've been through together, may it be a few months or many years, they just ignore you, and after multiple times of asking what's wrong and just hoping for an answer where none comes... it's very tiring and very hurtful.

People who find fun in the torment of others. People who only really laugh when the joke is about another person being in a stupid/hurtful/painful/embarrassing situation. People who simply ignore you, outside of a polite "Hello, how are you?" or " Could you please pass me the [fill in the blank]?"

I have to admit, I've been one of those people, yes. I'm not free of blame, no. But I've always tried to at least tone it down a bit, not become fully immersed. Because I don't want to willingly hurt others. I don't want to ignore other people just because someone tells me to or because everyone else is doing it. If I don't like you or something about you, I usually try to say it directly to you. I do like to avoid confrontations, yes, but sometimes they are inevitable.

Maybe that's why I don't have any real friends here. Or at least not any real friends who actually have time for me, who actually answer me or agree to meet up somewhere for a girls' night out or whatever else. Other than my bf and his family I've really got no one here. Aaaand cue the tears.

I'm getting tired of crying about this... I can't help it, either. *sips wine* It's just the way I, as a person, am built up. I need to cry once in a while. Or more than once in a while some days. Especially if I keep drinking alcohol when I'm already sad/slightly depressed/annoyed/[any other negative feeling]. I could help it, but to be honest, I really don't want to.

Anyway. Back to the real topic. Fake people. They pretend. So much. I pretend as well. Almost every day of my life is like an evening on the first opening night - I put on my mask and try not to slip with my role. Just that my pretending is more of a "I'm totally fine, I'm such an awesome person, I love myself, people find me likeable etc etc etc". I keep putting on that mask because I'm afraid otherwise I won't have anything to look forward to in my life at all anymore.

And I can't distance myself from those people either... because to be truly honest, they are the only ones that at least talk to me at all and (pretend to be) are friendly. That group is the only reason I don't sit home behind my laptop EVERY evening of the week. If I were to give that up, however much I dislike some of their behaviour, I wouldn't have anything else to do. I would simply spiral even deeper. And I'm afraid of that road.

But how can I tell them that I don't like that kind of behaviour? How can I make them understand that? How do you get through to someone who simply won't answer any of your texts or questions? So yes, I did a drastic move tonight. I blocked him out. As much as possible. All the social media, everything. He deserved it though. Being an asshole like that and not even saying one word as to why he started ignoring me in the first place or if I did something wrongful towards him.. Not one word. In person, yes, he couldn't ignore me completey because of the presence of other people, but I understood it.

So fuck you, Mr. P.P. I really am done with you. With this last post, I am pushing away everything to do with you. I know I have to see you once the trainings start again, but I am going to make oh so clear that I am done. Everyone will see it. Everyone. I don't care anymore. You screwed me over like the ego you are. So you absolutely deserve what's coming to you now. You just lost the game, biatch.






So. My question still is - what am I doing wrong that people don't want to make real friends with me? I get that most people here already have their established friend groups and not too much time to hang out with new ones, but I mean.. can't you even at least invite me to one of your parties? Do I really have to write each and every one of you every weekend and get turned down with "Oh, sorry, I've already got plans" or "Sorry, I'm not feeling like it tonight" or "Nope, don't wanna" etc? I don't really want to see those answers, not really. You wouldn't, either. You know you wouldn't. So why should I want to see them?

I should probably tell most of them to fuck off, that I don't need them, that I'm better off without them, but that would be a lie. I do need them. For some odd reason I need the companionship, even if people rarely talk to me, and I mean really talk to me outside of the normal polite convo openers, fillers and endings. I just need to feel like I'm even partly part of the group. Because without all of that, I'd slowly start going insane. I've already felt the beginnings, and they were not nice. At all. That's why I found myself trying to get into that group of people in the first place. And now that they've disappointed me so much... I find myself not able to let go of them.

The people around here are just such cowards most of the time. When you ask them straight out if they've got a problem with you, they simply ignore you rather than to man up and say out loud that "Yes, I've got this and that and that problem. What you gonna do about it?" At least this way I could understand what's bothering them and possibly work on a solution to it, but with no answer I'm left hanging in thin air with thousands of possibilities going through my mind, but leaving me none the smarter. Please learn to talk to each other, people. Please.

Well. I guess I mostly got out everything that I really wanted to share right now. Some people will maybe understand most of what I'm trying to say, some people will understand only a little bit, but that's okay. The people who are real friends will ask me about this. The people who aren't will either read through this and then shrug and think "Oh well, she's got problems" or will simply ignore this. That's how life is. It's got it's happy moments, but mostly it sucks. So you have to suck it up.

Peace.
Triin